Avery

There have been times when I have doubted my parenting skills. Recently I have had to take a very hard look at my ability as a mother. What will my kids say about me when they are grown and I am gone? I may not want to know the answer to that question. I look at Avery and I can see why I fell in love with Jeb 20 years ago. With all of the dysfunction and sadness I lost sight of what is truly important in life. Avery has overcome so many obstacles and has become a stronger person because of it. He has had to watch his sister struggle with her mental illness AND help his handicapped brother. I am so proud of A (his nickname). I have no doubt that he will succeed in life. I see the way he treats his girlfriend, the love and respect that he has for her. Anytime I need reassurance of my parenting skills, I just look at Avery. I must have done something right. Through all of my mistakes, I have had a part in raising an honorable human being.

Dear Summer

Dear Summer, I miss you every minute of everyday. When I open my eyes to the start of a brand new day, I look for you. As I close my eyes to go to sleep, I dream of you. All of the moments in between, I think of you. My heart will not let me move on. I am stuck on pause. Time keeps moving and I am still here waiting. I cannot move forward. As long as you are not with me, never will. I know that I havent been the mother that you needed me to be. I know that what you needed from me was much more than I could give you. I did the best that I could. I loved you more than you will ever know. Maybe there will come a day when you will see that. Everything I did, was out of love. My love for you will always be here. I sit here day after day praying that you will ask God to help you. I pray that God will give you what I could not give you. I have learned that the only one that I can count on is God. He has never left me. He will never leave you. Just ask him to help you. You cant do this on your own. All of the medicine in the world cannot make you better. God can. He can bring you out of that lonely place and make you a new person. If I could make you better, I would. I am in a dark place too. There are times when I dont want to take another breathe without you in my life. When those times consume me, I am comforted by Gods presence. He gives me peace and unconditional love. No matter what mistakes I make, I am still his. He can do this for you Summer. Please baby girl.
                                                       Love Always, Mom

Always my daughter

We went to court today. While sitting there, I saw my daughter. She had gotten into a fight at the group home (she received medical care) and as a result her lip was split open and she had some bruises on her face. The whole time while sitting in the courtroom, she was vacant. No emotion. Just a shell that had been beaten. I kept waiting for some sort of sign that she knew what was happening or that she even cared. I know that she is mentally ill, I have come to terms with that. I cant just excuse her behavior because of an illness. What kind of parent would I be if I didnt believe in consequences?  For a long time I did just that, excused her behavior. Jeb and I overlooked some of her actions just to keep some sort of peace in our family. Everything that we have done as parents had led us to this day. So, there we were sitting across from the little girl who I used to sing to sleep. Together we have loved and cared for Summer. Today was the day that a judge decided that Summer needs more than we can give her. As her parents we can no longer care for her. I havent stopped being her mom, I havent stopped worrying about her and I have not stopped loving her. Physically, she belongs to someone else. Summer has never been mine. God placed her in my heart so that I could be her mother. God knew something that I didnt, he knew that no one would ever love Summer as much as me. He knew that I had prayed for a little girl when I was very young and that I would treasure her with all of my heart. I am thankful for the moments I have had with Summer. I was able to raise a daughter into a young woman. God trusted me with that awesome responsibility.   

Change of plans

This time of year is both exciting and sad at the same time. Avery is enjoying his senior and taking part in all of the fun activities. He is doing exactly what we wanted him to do. Have fun and enjoy this time in his life. On the other hand, I am missing out on getting Summer ready for all of the dances and social events. As she was growing up I had envisioned myself helping her prepare for school events. I would take her shopping and then take her to get her hair and nails done. I would take a million pictures of her dressed up and then she would tell me to stop making a big deal over her. All of these dreams were for me, not her. These are the things that I wanted to share with my daughter. I wanted to have pictures of her to show everyone. I dont have these things. I am going to just enjoy what I do have. I have two boys in highschool. Avery has a wonderful girl in his life, and they will both be successful. Sterling is suprising us everyday with his will to succeed. I will focus on what I do have.

"Stay Gold"

I have always loved this song. The lyrics are beautiful, yet painful. I am just thinking of my little girl. I pray that one day she will Stay Gold.


Seize ... upon the moment of long ago
One breath away and there you will be
So young and carefree again you will see
That place in time
So gold

Steal ... away into that way back when
You thought that all would last forever
But like the weather nothing can ever
And be in time
Stay gold

But can it be ... when we can see
So vividly a memory
And yes you say so must the day
To fade away
And leave a ray of sun
So gold

Life ... is but a twinkling of an eye
Yet filled with sorrow and compassion
Though not imagined all things that happen
Will age too old
Though gold

Stay gold

I want

I am having a tough evening, just wanting a hug from my daughter. You know, the kind of hug that smothers you? Yep, that kind. I want her to walk through the door and tell me how much she loves me and misses me. I want to hear her beautiful voice singing to me. I want to hear her play me a song on her guitar. I want her to ask me if she is pretty and I want to say YES. I want to fix her long thick hair. I want to cook for her and have her come up to me and tell me how good it was. I want to walk down the hall and have her scent surround me. I want to watch General Hospital with her after a long day of school. I want to walk up to her and tell her how much I love her and how much I need her in my life. I want her to realize that we only want what is best for her and that we will never give up on her. My physical scars are healing, but not my emotional ones? I cant have any of these things. I am so full of sadness that I cant see what is in front of me. This aching in my heart is just to much.

Family

I had a nice evening with my dad yesterday. We both share a love for all things music, so it is always nice to spend time enjoying concerts with him. I am realizing more and more that I need to cherish every moment spent with my mom and dad. I need to make more of an effort to show them my love and appreciation and not assume that tomorrow is a given. I dont want to look back with regret and wish that I would have done more. I have watched my friends go through losing a parent and I just cant imagine what I would do if this happened to me. I know that it will happen one day but I pray that we are all taken to heaven at the same time so I wouldnt have to know what its like to say goodbye to my parents. I guess saying goodbye to my child has made me appreciate everything I still have. I have my two boys and a very compassionate husband who make my life complete. My two brothers are still very protective of me after all these years. God has also given me someone very special to help me through all of this. I know he is at work in my life.

Gone

I am going to have to learn to deal with hearing the word "SUMMER". The word means much more to me than it does to most people. For some of you, it is a time of vacation and times spent making lasting memories with those that you love. The weather is warm and the sun shines brightly, its the perfect setting for a picnic or an afternoon at the beach enjoying the warm ocean breeze. Green trees everywhere along with flowers so fragrant and colorful. Schools are out, and you can hear the sounds of children playing and just being......kids. I chose the name Summer because I wanted her to have a very special name. A name that wasnt so commonly used and had a beautiful meaning. I also loved the way the word just rolled off of my tongue when I would say it to my growing belly. Now, when I hear or see her name, it brings up so many raw emotions. Summer (the season) is over. Summer (my daughter) is gone. Soon the leaves will be changing colors. Children have already gone back to school. I guess you could say it is ironic that these two beautiful Summers have left at the very same time.

Why?

Sometimes I just get so angry at this illness that has taken my daughter away from me. I have spent alot of time asking why? Why Summer? What did she ever do? What did I ever do? Why did this illness rip apart our family? I am just so broken over this. All I can do is ask why? Maybe I will never get the answer I am looking for. It consumes me day and night. Secretly I wake up from sleeping and I am overcome with emptiness. There is this constant aching in my heart. A place that can never be full again. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My love for her was not enough to help her. I sometimes wonder about some of the conversations we had. I thought I could see a glimpse of my daughter in there somewhere. Other times, I didnt know who I was talking to. Did anything I say, sink it? I hurt for her. I hurt for what we will never have. Each moment, I am just getting through. Just breathing in and out, minute to minute. One tear at a time.

Regret

I woke up today and the first thing on my mind was, I need to make sure Summer gets out the door in time for her bus. Now I dont need to do that anymore. I remember complaining to her about not being responsible enough to get herself ready on her own. I was always reminding her that since she is 16, she shouldnt need my help anymore. She liked the way I did her hair, so she wanted me to fix it all the time. I just couldnt understand why she couldnt do it herself. I reminded her that my mom never did my hair when I was 16. Now, I wish I could take everything back. I dont want Summer to look back on her life and remember the things that I would not do for her. What does it matter if my mom fixed my hair or not? My mom did things for me because she wanted to, not because I had to ask her. I should have been flattered that Summer wanted me to help her. There are so many things that I would take back if I could. I would welcome the chance to help her get ready for her day, even if she is was old enough to do it herself. I wont have another chance to make things right. Yesterday is gone and so are the days when she needed me the most.

MY HEART

I have been told that losing a child is the most pain a mother can go through. Up until a few days ago, I had only wondered about this. Now I know this to be true. Losing a child is like having your heart ripped out and watching it the whole time. There it is right in front of you, your once beating heart not beating anymore. Meanwhile I am walking around without a vital part of my existance. The physical pain is just as real as the child I have loved. There will not be any gathering to say goodbye and celebrate my childs life. I wont be placing flowers on well manicured lawn full of other peoples loved ones who have died. There isnt a place where I can go to and talk to my daughter because I miss her and want to tell her all the things I could never say. If she were in heaven, she would be at peace. Mental Illness would no longer have a hold on her. Instead of  being surrounded by darkness, her face would be full of light. I am grieving the loss of my daughter. Not because of her death, but because of her life. 

Summer Brooke

                                                 

Summer came into this world on June,11, 1994. From the moment we brought her home until now, she has always been a strong willed child. I have read so many parenting books on how to tame this wild child, but nothing I read seemed to help. I have spent many nights praying that God would show me what to do and give me patience. When Summer was 10, Jeb and I were referred to a phsychiatrist. We took Summer to see this doctor and immediately we were told that she was bipolar. How could this be? My daughter, mentally ill? There had to be some mistake? We went to my mom and dad that night and I just remember sobbing uncontrollably. They prayed with us. I think that they refused to believe the diagnosis. Later that year it was confirmed while Summer was in the hospital. The last 6+ years have been filled with so many heartbreaking events. I knew that I would eventually have to face the reality that my beautiful daughter was lost and I couldnt do anything to make her better. I knew that God would have to do this for her. This past week, Jeb and I took the steps to let her go. In my head I know that this is what is best for her, that maybe now she will get the help that she needs, or she will not get any better. Summer may never come out of this dark place that she has been living in for so long. I am never gonna give up hope. I dont believe in a person being hopeless. There is always hope. In my heart I have a special place for my little girl. That space will always be filled with memories of her. Even though she is physically away from me, she is and will always be in my heart.