Hopes and dreams

Letting go is not something that I am very good at. When it comes to the end of something, I cant wrap my head around it. Whether it be saying goodbye to the season, or letting go of a dream. I have never been good at either. Its almost as if I lose a piece of myself through each goodbye. As we age, we tend to let go of the idea of something. Whether it be living in some exotic place and being in a fairytale, or having the perfect job and making a certain amount of money. When I was younger......there were so many things that I thought would happen in my life, to find out those things were someone elses life and not mine. My life would be different. So different. I had so many dreams.....actually they were unrealistic at the time. As I sit here knowing what I know now, looking back, I was dreaming. No matter what plans we have for ourselves, we do not decide our future. We have no control of it. We may have the best intentions, but that is not reality. Along the way, we change. Our perception of the world changes. We become who we are, not because of our plans. Not even because its what we think we deserve in life. I used to think of myself as a strong person, someone who was in control of her destiny. Now, its been proven to me that I am not in control at all. I never was. Accepting this has been the experience of a lifetime. To say that I have fully accepted it would not be true. Truth is, I keep looking back in hopes that that perfect life I had planned, would be right there waiting for me. All I needed to do was reach out and take it. In all of my planning, I never planned for my precious girl to be mentally ill. I certainly didnt think that I would be letting go of her at 16. I was so sure that my children would know how much they were loved. If that was all that I could give them, it would be love. Sadly this isnt true either. Maybe she will never know......but I know. I know that I will always love her. She will always be my daughter. Even though she belongs to someone else now, she is and always will be my daughter. No one will ever be able to show her a mothers love like I can. 

The word unspoken

Forgive me if I seem to be a little depressing. This blog is a place where I can go and just say what I am feeling.Its my outlet for all my feelings. It seems like I can write about this without breaking down. These thoughts dont leave my mouth, they are here. When I am ready, I will talk about it.  This is very hard on my whole family. No one wants to say the name Summer, because that word still brings me to tears. I sometimes forget about how this effects my parents. They see me hurting and they cant take the pain away or kiss it and make it all better. I have to remember that I am not the only one that is suffering. My brothers dont like to see me this way, they want me to be ok. Johns girls looked up to Summer. They dont understand any of this. They just know that Summer doesnt visit them anymore. Jim and Polly knew Summer as a baby. Avery and Sterling dont talk about Summer. I am sure that they dont want to see me cry. Or maybe they arent ready to talk about it. Jeb, well he is being so strong for me. I know that this is tearing him up, probably more than I know. Jeb was Summers "Go To" person for everything. They had a relationship that I envied. Also, Brian the dog......he is hurt by this too. Brian and Summer would go for walks and she would bathe him and cuddle with him. I have always loved the holidays, but this year I am more anxious to get it over with.

Today

Today is a pretty hard day for me. Some days are worse than others and this is one of those days. I am really good at hiding my sadness......usually. However, today it is written all over my face. I am just going with it. Why fight it? There is nothing heroic in pretending that all is right in the world. I am not gonna win any awards by smiling through my tears. Besides, I would be lieing to myself. The truth is.......this pain is not getting any better. In fact, I feel myself borrowing from tomorrow. I love the changing seasons. Along with this fascination is also an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I know that things will get better and that time will heal all wounds and yadda yadda yadda. Did the person who wrote these cliches have a mentally ill daughter? Did they ever have to watch their child struggle with the voices inside their head? Did they have to watch as their child cried out in agonizing dispair. Probably not. The memories of the past 16 years have not all been good, or bad. There were some happy times mixed in with the insanity. None of that seems to matter to me right now. I am living in the here and now. I am also looking down the road at what life will be like. I am looking at 2 weeks when we are giving thanks for everything we have, but giving thanks for what is missing? How does that work? Shall I just be happy with what I do have, and not focus on what is missing? These are the things that I think about. These are the feelings I have. This is the life I have been given. I guess you could say......"At least you have been given life"

Found

I got a call from CPS this morning and Summer is back at a group home. I dont have any details yet, but at least I know that my little girl is safe..........for now. I just wished that Summer would just believe in God like I do. If she would just rely on him. Through all of this, my faith is the only thing that has kept me together and it has given me the courage to face this head on and not give up. Summer has a long road ahead of her. She is so angry, bitter and mad at the world. That is a dangerous combination. We just have to take it minute by minute. All of the continued prayers are appreciated. This mom is gonna sleep tonight.