Today

Today is a pretty hard day for me. Some days are worse than others and this is one of those days. I am really good at hiding my sadness......usually. However, today it is written all over my face. I am just going with it. Why fight it? There is nothing heroic in pretending that all is right in the world. I am not gonna win any awards by smiling through my tears. Besides, I would be lieing to myself. The truth is.......this pain is not getting any better. In fact, I feel myself borrowing from tomorrow. I love the changing seasons. Along with this fascination is also an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I know that things will get better and that time will heal all wounds and yadda yadda yadda. Did the person who wrote these cliches have a mentally ill daughter? Did they ever have to watch their child struggle with the voices inside their head? Did they have to watch as their child cried out in agonizing dispair. Probably not. The memories of the past 16 years have not all been good, or bad. There were some happy times mixed in with the insanity. None of that seems to matter to me right now. I am living in the here and now. I am also looking down the road at what life will be like. I am looking at 2 weeks when we are giving thanks for everything we have, but giving thanks for what is missing? How does that work? Shall I just be happy with what I do have, and not focus on what is missing? These are the things that I think about. These are the feelings I have. This is the life I have been given. I guess you could say......"At least you have been given life"