Hopes and dreams

Letting go is not something that I am very good at. When it comes to the end of something, I cant wrap my head around it. Whether it be saying goodbye to the season, or letting go of a dream. I have never been good at either. Its almost as if I lose a piece of myself through each goodbye. As we age, we tend to let go of the idea of something. Whether it be living in some exotic place and being in a fairytale, or having the perfect job and making a certain amount of money. When I was younger......there were so many things that I thought would happen in my life, to find out those things were someone elses life and not mine. My life would be different. So different. I had so many dreams.....actually they were unrealistic at the time. As I sit here knowing what I know now, looking back, I was dreaming. No matter what plans we have for ourselves, we do not decide our future. We have no control of it. We may have the best intentions, but that is not reality. Along the way, we change. Our perception of the world changes. We become who we are, not because of our plans. Not even because its what we think we deserve in life. I used to think of myself as a strong person, someone who was in control of her destiny. Now, its been proven to me that I am not in control at all. I never was. Accepting this has been the experience of a lifetime. To say that I have fully accepted it would not be true. Truth is, I keep looking back in hopes that that perfect life I had planned, would be right there waiting for me. All I needed to do was reach out and take it. In all of my planning, I never planned for my precious girl to be mentally ill. I certainly didnt think that I would be letting go of her at 16. I was so sure that my children would know how much they were loved. If that was all that I could give them, it would be love. Sadly this isnt true either. Maybe she will never know......but I know. I know that I will always love her. She will always be my daughter. Even though she belongs to someone else now, she is and always will be my daughter. No one will ever be able to show her a mothers love like I can. 

The word unspoken

Forgive me if I seem to be a little depressing. This blog is a place where I can go and just say what I am feeling.Its my outlet for all my feelings. It seems like I can write about this without breaking down. These thoughts dont leave my mouth, they are here. When I am ready, I will talk about it.  This is very hard on my whole family. No one wants to say the name Summer, because that word still brings me to tears. I sometimes forget about how this effects my parents. They see me hurting and they cant take the pain away or kiss it and make it all better. I have to remember that I am not the only one that is suffering. My brothers dont like to see me this way, they want me to be ok. Johns girls looked up to Summer. They dont understand any of this. They just know that Summer doesnt visit them anymore. Jim and Polly knew Summer as a baby. Avery and Sterling dont talk about Summer. I am sure that they dont want to see me cry. Or maybe they arent ready to talk about it. Jeb, well he is being so strong for me. I know that this is tearing him up, probably more than I know. Jeb was Summers "Go To" person for everything. They had a relationship that I envied. Also, Brian the dog......he is hurt by this too. Brian and Summer would go for walks and she would bathe him and cuddle with him. I have always loved the holidays, but this year I am more anxious to get it over with.

Today

Today is a pretty hard day for me. Some days are worse than others and this is one of those days. I am really good at hiding my sadness......usually. However, today it is written all over my face. I am just going with it. Why fight it? There is nothing heroic in pretending that all is right in the world. I am not gonna win any awards by smiling through my tears. Besides, I would be lieing to myself. The truth is.......this pain is not getting any better. In fact, I feel myself borrowing from tomorrow. I love the changing seasons. Along with this fascination is also an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I know that things will get better and that time will heal all wounds and yadda yadda yadda. Did the person who wrote these cliches have a mentally ill daughter? Did they ever have to watch their child struggle with the voices inside their head? Did they have to watch as their child cried out in agonizing dispair. Probably not. The memories of the past 16 years have not all been good, or bad. There were some happy times mixed in with the insanity. None of that seems to matter to me right now. I am living in the here and now. I am also looking down the road at what life will be like. I am looking at 2 weeks when we are giving thanks for everything we have, but giving thanks for what is missing? How does that work? Shall I just be happy with what I do have, and not focus on what is missing? These are the things that I think about. These are the feelings I have. This is the life I have been given. I guess you could say......"At least you have been given life"

Found

I got a call from CPS this morning and Summer is back at a group home. I dont have any details yet, but at least I know that my little girl is safe..........for now. I just wished that Summer would just believe in God like I do. If she would just rely on him. Through all of this, my faith is the only thing that has kept me together and it has given me the courage to face this head on and not give up. Summer has a long road ahead of her. She is so angry, bitter and mad at the world. That is a dangerous combination. We just have to take it minute by minute. All of the continued prayers are appreciated. This mom is gonna sleep tonight.

Summer is missing

Summer ran away from the group home last night. No one has heard from her or seen her. She is 16 and is off of her bipolar meds. Cps has lost my daughter. They couldnt stop her from leaving the group home since she is over the age of 12. Our family has been searching for her with no luck, Supposedly the police have been looking for her and have her down as a missing person. This is not how it was supposed to happen. Summer was in the group home to be put back on her meds and to be safe. Now we know that Summer is not safe. The state couldnt keep up with her. We are praying for her safety and that if anyone out there is helping her by hiding her and giving her a place to stay, they should realize that they are NOT helping her.

Faith

I havent been able to bring myself to blog for a few weeks. So many ppl have been asking about Summer. I just cant find the right words to say. There are so many things that I would like to say, but I dont. A part of our family is missing and nothing I say will make it seem like I am ok. I am NOT ok. I try my best to pretend that this is for the best. I do a pretty good job at covering up how I feel. There are some days when the pain is just too much for me. Actually, most days its too much. I am only human and although I know Gods promise is true, sometimes doubt sets in. When I am overcome with doubt, I surround myself with his words. His promise to me, thats all I have. Thats everything I have. his words are real. Talking to therapists and taking meds in order to cope, it doesnt work. I just do the best I can. I know that my best needs to be better. I need to stop being so selfish. All I can think about is how this is hurting me. How do I feel about it. I heard something at church the other night that I cant get outta my head. Life is not for sitting around and admiring everything that we have or have done. Its not for collecting stuff and being consumed with what is in the bank. None of that matters. So, if I believe what was said......then I am going about this the wrong way. God put me here to go through this for a reason. Its his plan for my life. I need to stop questioning why. There are no accidents. There is a purpose for what is happening. When I get to heaven, I will know what all of this was for. Until then, faith will just have to do. Faith is believing in the unseen.

Avery

There have been times when I have doubted my parenting skills. Recently I have had to take a very hard look at my ability as a mother. What will my kids say about me when they are grown and I am gone? I may not want to know the answer to that question. I look at Avery and I can see why I fell in love with Jeb 20 years ago. With all of the dysfunction and sadness I lost sight of what is truly important in life. Avery has overcome so many obstacles and has become a stronger person because of it. He has had to watch his sister struggle with her mental illness AND help his handicapped brother. I am so proud of A (his nickname). I have no doubt that he will succeed in life. I see the way he treats his girlfriend, the love and respect that he has for her. Anytime I need reassurance of my parenting skills, I just look at Avery. I must have done something right. Through all of my mistakes, I have had a part in raising an honorable human being.

Dear Summer

Dear Summer, I miss you every minute of everyday. When I open my eyes to the start of a brand new day, I look for you. As I close my eyes to go to sleep, I dream of you. All of the moments in between, I think of you. My heart will not let me move on. I am stuck on pause. Time keeps moving and I am still here waiting. I cannot move forward. As long as you are not with me, never will. I know that I havent been the mother that you needed me to be. I know that what you needed from me was much more than I could give you. I did the best that I could. I loved you more than you will ever know. Maybe there will come a day when you will see that. Everything I did, was out of love. My love for you will always be here. I sit here day after day praying that you will ask God to help you. I pray that God will give you what I could not give you. I have learned that the only one that I can count on is God. He has never left me. He will never leave you. Just ask him to help you. You cant do this on your own. All of the medicine in the world cannot make you better. God can. He can bring you out of that lonely place and make you a new person. If I could make you better, I would. I am in a dark place too. There are times when I dont want to take another breathe without you in my life. When those times consume me, I am comforted by Gods presence. He gives me peace and unconditional love. No matter what mistakes I make, I am still his. He can do this for you Summer. Please baby girl.
                                                       Love Always, Mom

Always my daughter

We went to court today. While sitting there, I saw my daughter. She had gotten into a fight at the group home (she received medical care) and as a result her lip was split open and she had some bruises on her face. The whole time while sitting in the courtroom, she was vacant. No emotion. Just a shell that had been beaten. I kept waiting for some sort of sign that she knew what was happening or that she even cared. I know that she is mentally ill, I have come to terms with that. I cant just excuse her behavior because of an illness. What kind of parent would I be if I didnt believe in consequences?  For a long time I did just that, excused her behavior. Jeb and I overlooked some of her actions just to keep some sort of peace in our family. Everything that we have done as parents had led us to this day. So, there we were sitting across from the little girl who I used to sing to sleep. Together we have loved and cared for Summer. Today was the day that a judge decided that Summer needs more than we can give her. As her parents we can no longer care for her. I havent stopped being her mom, I havent stopped worrying about her and I have not stopped loving her. Physically, she belongs to someone else. Summer has never been mine. God placed her in my heart so that I could be her mother. God knew something that I didnt, he knew that no one would ever love Summer as much as me. He knew that I had prayed for a little girl when I was very young and that I would treasure her with all of my heart. I am thankful for the moments I have had with Summer. I was able to raise a daughter into a young woman. God trusted me with that awesome responsibility.   

Change of plans

This time of year is both exciting and sad at the same time. Avery is enjoying his senior and taking part in all of the fun activities. He is doing exactly what we wanted him to do. Have fun and enjoy this time in his life. On the other hand, I am missing out on getting Summer ready for all of the dances and social events. As she was growing up I had envisioned myself helping her prepare for school events. I would take her shopping and then take her to get her hair and nails done. I would take a million pictures of her dressed up and then she would tell me to stop making a big deal over her. All of these dreams were for me, not her. These are the things that I wanted to share with my daughter. I wanted to have pictures of her to show everyone. I dont have these things. I am going to just enjoy what I do have. I have two boys in highschool. Avery has a wonderful girl in his life, and they will both be successful. Sterling is suprising us everyday with his will to succeed. I will focus on what I do have.

"Stay Gold"

I have always loved this song. The lyrics are beautiful, yet painful. I am just thinking of my little girl. I pray that one day she will Stay Gold.


Seize ... upon the moment of long ago
One breath away and there you will be
So young and carefree again you will see
That place in time
So gold

Steal ... away into that way back when
You thought that all would last forever
But like the weather nothing can ever
And be in time
Stay gold

But can it be ... when we can see
So vividly a memory
And yes you say so must the day
To fade away
And leave a ray of sun
So gold

Life ... is but a twinkling of an eye
Yet filled with sorrow and compassion
Though not imagined all things that happen
Will age too old
Though gold

Stay gold

I want

I am having a tough evening, just wanting a hug from my daughter. You know, the kind of hug that smothers you? Yep, that kind. I want her to walk through the door and tell me how much she loves me and misses me. I want to hear her beautiful voice singing to me. I want to hear her play me a song on her guitar. I want her to ask me if she is pretty and I want to say YES. I want to fix her long thick hair. I want to cook for her and have her come up to me and tell me how good it was. I want to walk down the hall and have her scent surround me. I want to watch General Hospital with her after a long day of school. I want to walk up to her and tell her how much I love her and how much I need her in my life. I want her to realize that we only want what is best for her and that we will never give up on her. My physical scars are healing, but not my emotional ones? I cant have any of these things. I am so full of sadness that I cant see what is in front of me. This aching in my heart is just to much.

Family

I had a nice evening with my dad yesterday. We both share a love for all things music, so it is always nice to spend time enjoying concerts with him. I am realizing more and more that I need to cherish every moment spent with my mom and dad. I need to make more of an effort to show them my love and appreciation and not assume that tomorrow is a given. I dont want to look back with regret and wish that I would have done more. I have watched my friends go through losing a parent and I just cant imagine what I would do if this happened to me. I know that it will happen one day but I pray that we are all taken to heaven at the same time so I wouldnt have to know what its like to say goodbye to my parents. I guess saying goodbye to my child has made me appreciate everything I still have. I have my two boys and a very compassionate husband who make my life complete. My two brothers are still very protective of me after all these years. God has also given me someone very special to help me through all of this. I know he is at work in my life.

Gone

I am going to have to learn to deal with hearing the word "SUMMER". The word means much more to me than it does to most people. For some of you, it is a time of vacation and times spent making lasting memories with those that you love. The weather is warm and the sun shines brightly, its the perfect setting for a picnic or an afternoon at the beach enjoying the warm ocean breeze. Green trees everywhere along with flowers so fragrant and colorful. Schools are out, and you can hear the sounds of children playing and just being......kids. I chose the name Summer because I wanted her to have a very special name. A name that wasnt so commonly used and had a beautiful meaning. I also loved the way the word just rolled off of my tongue when I would say it to my growing belly. Now, when I hear or see her name, it brings up so many raw emotions. Summer (the season) is over. Summer (my daughter) is gone. Soon the leaves will be changing colors. Children have already gone back to school. I guess you could say it is ironic that these two beautiful Summers have left at the very same time.

Why?

Sometimes I just get so angry at this illness that has taken my daughter away from me. I have spent alot of time asking why? Why Summer? What did she ever do? What did I ever do? Why did this illness rip apart our family? I am just so broken over this. All I can do is ask why? Maybe I will never get the answer I am looking for. It consumes me day and night. Secretly I wake up from sleeping and I am overcome with emptiness. There is this constant aching in my heart. A place that can never be full again. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My love for her was not enough to help her. I sometimes wonder about some of the conversations we had. I thought I could see a glimpse of my daughter in there somewhere. Other times, I didnt know who I was talking to. Did anything I say, sink it? I hurt for her. I hurt for what we will never have. Each moment, I am just getting through. Just breathing in and out, minute to minute. One tear at a time.