Hopes and dreams

Letting go is not something that I am very good at. When it comes to the end of something, I cant wrap my head around it. Whether it be saying goodbye to the season, or letting go of a dream. I have never been good at either. Its almost as if I lose a piece of myself through each goodbye. As we age, we tend to let go of the idea of something. Whether it be living in some exotic place and being in a fairytale, or having the perfect job and making a certain amount of money. When I was younger......there were so many things that I thought would happen in my life, to find out those things were someone elses life and not mine. My life would be different. So different. I had so many dreams.....actually they were unrealistic at the time. As I sit here knowing what I know now, looking back, I was dreaming. No matter what plans we have for ourselves, we do not decide our future. We have no control of it. We may have the best intentions, but that is not reality. Along the way, we change. Our perception of the world changes. We become who we are, not because of our plans. Not even because its what we think we deserve in life. I used to think of myself as a strong person, someone who was in control of her destiny. Now, its been proven to me that I am not in control at all. I never was. Accepting this has been the experience of a lifetime. To say that I have fully accepted it would not be true. Truth is, I keep looking back in hopes that that perfect life I had planned, would be right there waiting for me. All I needed to do was reach out and take it. In all of my planning, I never planned for my precious girl to be mentally ill. I certainly didnt think that I would be letting go of her at 16. I was so sure that my children would know how much they were loved. If that was all that I could give them, it would be love. Sadly this isnt true either. Maybe she will never know......but I know. I know that I will always love her. She will always be my daughter. Even though she belongs to someone else now, she is and always will be my daughter. No one will ever be able to show her a mothers love like I can.